Lately I've been struggling with depression. Feeling and being isolated...not necessarily by choice. It's been 2 1/2 years since I discovered my husband's criminal activity fueled by sex addiction. At that time I had no plans of continuing our relationship and I turned to friends for support. Since then I have seen my friendships die a slow and painful (for me) death.
Which I have only partially understood since my husband really clung to his recovery so it's not as if I depended on them for much support. There just seems to be an elephant in the room... Maybe they are curious but don't want to ask, or maybe that's just my shame...I'm not sure, but things don't feel right.
Today I endured another dagger in the heart. Seeing pictures of my old group of friends on Facebook enjoying the Easter holiday together with their families. Yet again I was excluded. To some extent I can understand it... My husband obviously can't attend, but I can. And I have made this point before.
In the past I made comments that my feelings were hurt that I was left out, but excuses were given and over time I've learned that my feelings don't matter to them.
So why do I care??? The truth is that I spent my childhood moving constantly and I learned not to bother investing in friendships because I'd move again soon anyway and lose them. I have a difficult time meeting new people, opening up and I'm terrified of being rejected/abandoned over and over. Which is exactly what is happening now with with my 15-20 year friendship's.
I'm trying to figure out a way to be mentally and emotionally ok with not having these people around who used to be such a major part of my world. I'm trying to remind myself that I am lovable and fun, but I am struggling...my negative self keeps saying you are not enough and you don't belong there anymore. Isolation is hell.
YOU ARE ENOUGH! Your friends discomfort and exclusion are about them and not you. They feel uncomfortable discussing your husband and don't know what to say to you. I know that's easy for me to say to you, but I have struggled to learn to believe it myself. My isolation is of my own making because of my shame, I have done some serious shame busting over the last few months and i feel much less isolated. I also feel so grateful for the friends I have met through recovery!
ReplyDeleteI know that they are probably just having trouble accepting it, but I feel like this is my life and I have accepted it. I have to live it everyday and its not like I am forcing them to have a relationship with him in order to have one with me. It's just frustrating that so much has changed with these friendships I thought were solid.
DeleteI think the isolation is what gets to all of us. You really can't go back to the same friendships (your former friends have the same reaction/s and beliefs that we used to have before the knock on the door. Whatever the specifics of our family 'label' all of us end up isolated and in need of a community of people we can trust to be there for us. But we are all so isolated by the general prejudice against "offenders" and the common beliefs about "women who stay" that it's hard to trust enough to reach out based upon both what has happened to us (our friends don't want to include us because they still have the same "prejudices" and fears we once had before we went through this but chose to stay with our partners (making that choice was really choosing a different life than we had before) As a result, loneliness is why we search the internet, why we join or create a group of like minded people/ women/ friends such as WAR or RSOL or CURE-sort because finding acceptance, finding community, refusing to be ashamed or silenced and advocate for change is important.I am trying to start a local chapter of Women Against the Registry because I know there are other women other out there as isolated and alone as I am in living with this issue. They have only now heard the knock at the door, only now begun the journey to the different life beyond who they used to be...and I'd like them to know we are here but so far they are too afraid to come together except on the internet... That's why Daily Strength Families of sex offenders, and blogs like yours are so import because they say "You are not alone". Your blog valuable because it is from a little heard-from perspective and focuses on telling people/ family more about families on this "part" of the Registry. All of us are together in that being labeled/ being "on the Registry" leads to a crippling isolation unless we reach out across differences and find common ground in understanding and caring and making a difference about what happens to each other in each of our families. It matters that we face forward together and find stories of "how I put the broken pieces" back together even if they no longer fit exactly because I see can and understand things differently now...
DeleteThank you for starting this blog, for telling your story.
I'm sure most of us would have said we'd never stay...that was before we were put into this situation. I agree that finding a safe place with others who understand is important, yet there is little support available...that is exactly why I started my blog here! Thanks for your support.
ReplyDeleteYou came for a visit to my site a bit ago so I wanted to come and say hi! My husband is a sex offender. He had completed his prison term a few years before I met him so other than regular police visits during the 10 years he was on the offender registry I haven't had to deal with the legal aspect. I can tell you that you aren't alone out there and the number of loved ones of convicted offenders is growing exponentially every day. I will tell you that you need to have your husband tow the line. If he can get the offense cleared quickly and reduced his life and yours will be so much easier. As for the stigma of sex offenders... you'll never convince people that there can be ok men out there with that label. Social media, fanatic politicians, and the press have taken care of the devil incarnate view of offenders to people who believe they would never be around one (little do they know they are probably around many more than they think). The judgements fall fast and heavy on our heads as well. So far I've been lucky with my family and friends. Yours are probably not the kind you'd want to be with anyway if they are treating you like a leper. It's so sad that there is so little temperance and reason left in society. There are many other people out there who will accept you. Best of luck with everything!
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by. The stigma is quite dramatic and inaccurate for the majority of offenders. It portrays offenders as being creepy, filthy men who hide out (near schools and movie theaters) looking for any available child to snatch, when many true offenders are actually family and close friends who haven't even made it to the registry because there victims are afraid to speak.(I know this personally because it happened to me).
DeleteAs for my friendships, I feel like for the most part I have come to grips with it, but there is still sadness knowing that things will never be the same abd sometimes I get stuck missing what used to be.
Did anyone see the LV TV show about sex offenders in parks and also see the awe some letter sent back setting thinks straight? I wish I had had courage to write that great letter sticking up for all of us...the writer mentions they are also a NV WAR (women against registry member here in NV. I live in Reno and would love to be able to connect with that person because I think it is important to join together to advocate for saner policies that do not cause more damage than harm to children and adults. If anyone reading this is interested in also helping to get a NV Chapter of WAR going please e-mail me at janetm5678@gmail.com or contact Vicki Henry at WAR national and she will let me know you are interested in helping. I'm in he "North" (close to Carson Cty and the legislature) so having someone in the South would really help. I hope it's Okay to say this on the blog but it's gets lonesome up here in the north and yet NV is one of the harshest states when it comes to this stuff. Take Care. JanetM
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