When I got home I called him and he said he'd be over in a few minutes. When he got there I invited him inside, but he said it would be better if I came out to the car. He had a sad look on his face I'd never seen before. I began to try to soothe him, but he pulled away. He started by saying "I have to tell you something, it's going to be difficult to say" I said to myself "he's breaking up with me", but I heard the words I never thought I would hear... the police showed up with a search warrant to seize his computer for suspicion of possessing illegal images. I was so confused...in my mind I said "wait this is a mistake right"? I was waiting for him to tell me they were wrong, but he admitted to it. I was blindsided!!!! I could literally feel my heart shattering into a million tiny pieces. I told him that he needed therapy, and then for about 20 minutes I sat there... in shock, frozen... repeating the words "I just don't understand!!!!". He apologized over and over and said he knew he needed to get help, but that he didn't really know how to get help before.
I told him I needed time to think...to process it all. I left the car with no intention of ever speaking to him again. After 2 years, I had no idea who this man really was. My world was wrecked in an instant!
I called my mother and my best friend and I told them everything. Their reactions were identical... "you know you can't stay with him, right?". "I know" I said "I just can't believe this is my life". My best friend came over and held me for hours while I cried asking myself "what's the lesson in this?". She finally left at 2am. I tossed and turned for hours, feeling the most unsecure, broken and scared I had ever felt in my life.
Hours later, as the sun came up I went to my safe haven...mom's house. Later that day I went back to my apartment to change the locks, but I decided I didn't feel safe living there anymore. So I paid to break my lease early and moved in with my mother. I didn't shower for days and when I finally did I couldn't look at my own body. Not that I have ever had body image issues, but I felt disgusted with thinking of anything sex related, including my own naked body. For weeks after I felt like a zombie. I was literally beside myself!
I began searching for a therapist who had experience in dealing with sexual abuse (having some old wounds which I neglected, but that were in desperate need of healing at this point) and made an appointment. It was nearly 2 week's before I could get in to see her!
He texted me a few days later apologized again, told me he realized he was a sex addict had been going to SAA meetings and had also had appointment with a therapist. I began reading every book I could find about sex addiction, trying to make sense of it all and stay somewhat sane while waiting impatiently to see the therapist. A week later I got an email from him in which he was telling me after attending SAA meetings he felt it was only fair for me to know the whole truth about everything he lied about. I felt devastated all over again "what more could he possibly have done"? I didn't feel like I could physically or mentally handle hearing anything more.
For 6 weeks I didn't respond to any calls, texts or emails. That time was for me... to wrap my mind around the damage he has caused and for him to get help for himself, not me.
For weeks after finding out I was uncomfortable going out in public. In my mind, every man I stood next to at the grocery store was a pervert or a sex offender. My skin crawled with disgust. I remember one time being in a store and getting stuck in panic and thought. I have no idea how long I stood there in a daze, but I felt like I was standing next to myself...just watching. My therapist said that it's common with trauma and it's a form of dissociation. Like your mind is trying to separate you from the trauma. I really had to work at pulling myself back into sanity. I think it would be accurate to say I was in the middle of a nervous breakdown.
I called my mother and my best friend and I told them everything. Their reactions were identical... "you know you can't stay with him, right?". "I know" I said "I just can't believe this is my life". My best friend came over and held me for hours while I cried asking myself "what's the lesson in this?". She finally left at 2am. I tossed and turned for hours, feeling the most unsecure, broken and scared I had ever felt in my life.
Hours later, as the sun came up I went to my safe haven...mom's house. Later that day I went back to my apartment to change the locks, but I decided I didn't feel safe living there anymore. So I paid to break my lease early and moved in with my mother. I didn't shower for days and when I finally did I couldn't look at my own body. Not that I have ever had body image issues, but I felt disgusted with thinking of anything sex related, including my own naked body. For weeks after I felt like a zombie. I was literally beside myself!
I began searching for a therapist who had experience in dealing with sexual abuse (having some old wounds which I neglected, but that were in desperate need of healing at this point) and made an appointment. It was nearly 2 week's before I could get in to see her!
He texted me a few days later apologized again, told me he realized he was a sex addict had been going to SAA meetings and had also had appointment with a therapist. I began reading every book I could find about sex addiction, trying to make sense of it all and stay somewhat sane while waiting impatiently to see the therapist. A week later I got an email from him in which he was telling me after attending SAA meetings he felt it was only fair for me to know the whole truth about everything he lied about. I felt devastated all over again "what more could he possibly have done"? I didn't feel like I could physically or mentally handle hearing anything more.
For 6 weeks I didn't respond to any calls, texts or emails. That time was for me... to wrap my mind around the damage he has caused and for him to get help for himself, not me.
For weeks after finding out I was uncomfortable going out in public. In my mind, every man I stood next to at the grocery store was a pervert or a sex offender. My skin crawled with disgust. I remember one time being in a store and getting stuck in panic and thought. I have no idea how long I stood there in a daze, but I felt like I was standing next to myself...just watching. My therapist said that it's common with trauma and it's a form of dissociation. Like your mind is trying to separate you from the trauma. I really had to work at pulling myself back into sanity. I think it would be accurate to say I was in the middle of a nervous breakdown.
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